- When Ruth Grover, 69, received a message from a stranger she was curious.
- Working in the police force for decades, Ruth learned to question everything – even a random friend request.
- With a little digging, Ruth discovered the message was part of a romance scam.
- Wanting to warn others about what I’d found out, I created a Facebook group, ScamHaters United.
Here Ruth tells her story in her own words.
Sitting at my computer, I heard a ping through the speakers indicating I had a new friend request on Facebook.
But instead of a long-lost friend or relative, it was from a young man I’d never met.
Clicking on his photo, I couldn’t help but notice how handsome he was, with gorgeous brown hair and sparkling eyes. I also noted he was in the army.
I just saw your profile and thought you were so beautiful! he’d written in a message.
It was late 2010 and I’d recently changed my relationship status to ‘widowed’ on the social media site.
I didn’t know this man, and certainly wasn’t looking for love, but with my interest piqued I accepted the message.
‘I just saw your profile and thought you were so beautiful!’
I’d lost my beloved husband Jeff to skin cancer four years earlier.
Jeff and I had both retired from our jobs at our local police department, where I’d worked as a dispatcher and he was an officer.
We’d planned to holiday on the Greek island of Santorini and spend time with my sons, Adam, then 29, and Brent, 27, and our three grandkids.
But three months later, Jeff was hit with the life-changing diagnosis.
He underwent chemo but sadly passed away months later, aged 53.
Heartbroken, it’d taken me a long time to get used to life without him, but now I was ready to label myself a widow.
Strangely, almost overnight, I’d been friended by three men.
All of them appeared to be four-star generals in the US Army.
I love your photos, read one message.
I’m widowed, like you, said another.
Working in the police control room for decades, I’d learned to question everything.
I knew from news reports that these men were likely scammers, so I did some digging online.
There were hundreds of stories about women my age being conned by swindlers.
Sadly, victims had been tricked into giving over hundreds of thousands of dollars.
‘I’m widowed, like you.’
Why aren’t more people talking about this? I wondered.
I became obsessed about learning all there was to know about romance scams.
I stayed up late into the night, fuelled by tea and determination, trawling through anti-scammer forums and Facebook groups.
Wanting to warn others about what I’d found out, I created a Facebook group, ScamHaters United.
In a week, I’d amassed thousands of members.
Each day my inbox was full of messages from women sharing how they’d been duped, and also men whose images had been stolen wanting to set the record straight.
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I discovered there were ‘formulas’ scammers used to manipulate victims.
After reaching out to unsuspecting targets, they’d often claim to be working in the army or on an oil rig, convincing their victims they were lonely.
They’d shower their targets with compliments, known as lovebombing, and tried to win them over with a sob story.
Often they claimed their wife had died of cancer or cheated with their best friend.
After building trust, they’d profess their love to their victims, until eventually they ran into some kind of ‘crisis’ requiring an emergency infusion of cash.
It made me sick to hear how they preyed on innocent people.
‘Why aren’t more people talking about this?’
To keep on top of the fraudsters’ tactics, I went undercover.
I posed as a scammer in online chat rooms and Facebook groups where scam syndicates barter for fake profile photos, offer photoshopping services, and swap lists of potential victims.
Then I reported back to the growing number of members in ScamHaters United. And I amassed a team of 20 volunteers to help manage the page.
We use tools such as reverse image search to determine if a person someone’s being contacted by is real or not, and provide emotional support.
Horrifically, we get around 300 new messages a day from women who have been, or think they’re being, duped.
My advice is always the same. I gently suggest they cut off contact, show them the facts of other scams we’ve uncovered, and remind them they’re not alone.
Over the years I’ve even seen scammers fake their own kidnapping, and beg the victim to pay a ransom!
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Tragically, it’s not just finances that victims are robbed of, it’s their dignity too.
One woman, Rebecca, was on the verge of taking her life when she found our Facebook group.
She’d had a successful career and was looking to buy her first home when she met a man on an online dating site.
He claimed he was a single dad after losing his wife to cancer.
So when he ran into money troubles, Rebecca, who’d fallen head over heels, was happy to help.
She’d loaned him $100,000 before realising he’d faked his identity.
Bankrupt, poor Rebecca risked being evicted from her home when she reached out to our group.
‘I have nothing left to live for,’ she wept.
‘We can help you out of this Rebecca. Don’t lose hope,’ we told her.
Now she’s one of our volunteers, counselling other victims who reach out for support.
‘You saved my life. Giving back is the least I can do,’ Rebecca tells me.
‘I feel so stupid’ is the most common response we hear from those being conned.
I remind them they haven’t been stupid…they’ve been trusting and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.
In June this year I helped a 72-year-old woman with a master’s degree in psychology realise the person she’d been speaking to was not Sir Paul McCartney.
Sadly, I’ve never seen a victim get their cash back, but one woman did say that her scammer was being prosecuted.
While hearing stories of women – old and young –being duped can be emotionally taxing, for me there’s no better feeling than helping someone escape scammers.
I’ve lost count of how many people we’ve helped, but it’s in the thousands.
Jeff would be proud of the work I do.
My sons tell me they are too. In fact, the page helped my son Adam meet his wife!
Adam was helping me with admin on Facebook when he assisted Mary, a young woman who was scammed by someone.
Mary was so grateful that she agreed to help us with admin too.
Then I noticed Adam was disappearing on FaceTime – only to find he was chatting to Mary!
They met a few times when Adam visited the Philippines, and quickly fell in love.
Mary visited us in 2021, and they had a small wedding with just family. Now they have a three-year-old daughter, Lottie.
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‘You’re helping so many people who need it,’ Adam, now 44, and Brent, 42, tell me often.
I’ve also made life-long friends. Sandy, who lives in Kentucky, became my right-hand woman, running our page after she’d been approached by a scammer.
We talk constantly and do live chats on our Instagram page, giving advice on scams.
I also count Dana in Canada as a close friend.
She came to us to escape a love rat scam, when she believed she was helping a man with some problems.
She’s a proud survivor, who works with us, and has her own project Romance Scam Spotter.
The three of us became firm friends and last month met in Nashville! It was like we’d known each other all our lives.
Now we’ve been running for 15 years, and I hope one day groups like ours aren’t needed anymore.
Until then, I’ll keep fighting.
How to spot a fake profile:
- Photos that look too professional
- Photos that are blurry or unclear
- Very little personal information
- Few or no connections to social media accounts
- Few comments, likes or shares on their social media from other people
