- Dr. Debra Graves OAM, Indooroopilly, Qld, met her husband Don through mutual friends in 1990
- The pair fell in love and built a happy life together, but then in April 2012 Don was sadly diagnosed with dementia
- Debra has penned a book about walking her own path when it came to caring for Don to help others caring for loved ones with dementia
Here Debra, 63, tells her story in her own words…
Wiping tears from my eyes, I beamed at my partner Don, then 60.
We were on holiday in Phuket, Thailand, and he’d just asked me to be his wife after four years together.
‘Yes!’ I cried, excitedly.
Don and I met through mutual friends in 1990.
I was instantly struck by his cheeky sense of humour and charisma.

We wed in Brisbane on November 11, 1995, when I was 33 and he was 61.
Sharing a love of travel, we explored Australia and the world together, with trips to Paris, Hong Kong, Mykonos, and countless other corners of the globe.
Working as a medical professional, and Don as a board director, we were very busy, but always made time for each other.
But in 2010, everything changed when Don suffered a major stroke.
He’d complained of a headache that morning and, in a taxi on the way to the opera, we changed route to the hospital.
Sadly, while doctors were clearing a clot from his brain that had haemorrhaged, a biopsy showed small signs of neurofibrillary tangles – sticky, thread-like structures within neurons – which can be the start of Alzheimer’s disease.
But it wasn’t enough to make a definitive diagnosis.

Don recovered from the stroke, but in the two years that followed, he’d forget words mid-sentence and struggled with finances.
‘Something is up, Deb,’ he said to me, concerned.
Things got so bad, Don started seeing a psychiatrist about depression.
Worry constantly niggled in the back of my mind, but I pushed it to the side.
My sister Judy, also a doctor, urged us to get Don checked out.

Finally, in April 2012, a neuropsychological test confirmed my worst fear – Don had dementia.
By then he was 78 and retired.
‘We can start Don on medication to slow the deterioration,’ his doctor said. I was devastated.
In the blink of an eye, dreams for our future vanished.
Don would eventually need round-the-clock care.
I just want to make his life as happy as possible, I decided.
Though Don didn’t fully understand what was happening, he could tell I was upset.

As news of Don’s diagnosis spread, I was gifted books about dementia. But each one recommended a way to talk to those diagnosed with dementia, and to maintain a regular routine.
It seemed so formulaic and strange. This is crazy. I know my husband better than anybody, I thought. I’ll do it my way, I decided.
Over the next six years, it was heartbreaking to watch Don slowly going downhill. He’d misplace the house keys, and I didn’t feel comfortable with him driving.
Our friends, who I dubbed ‘Don’s Angels’, and his adult children from a previous relationship, would take turns staying with Don while I worked.
Judy was my rock, always there to listen to me, and to help around the house.
Eventually Don needed a wheelchair to get around and became non-verbal as his body shut down, so we enlisted carers to help.
He’s still in there, I’d remind myself on the toughest days.

We got a glimpse of that one night in December 2016. We were on a cruise to Fiji with a group of friends and family. As we sat and listened to Christmas carols, Don suddenly found his voice again.
‘Silent night, holy night,’ he crooned, as he joined in the singalong. ‘All is calm, all is bright.’
We all wept as he sang. It was one of the last times I heard his gentle voice.
We continued to travel, visiting Uluru, Alaska, Auckland, Dublin and London. We drank wine in Wellington in September 2018 – our last trip together.
Just months later, on December 29, Don took a turn. I called his children, and they all came to the house to say goodbye.
He’d been unconscious for hours when he suddenly woke up and reached for the gold chain hanging around my neck that he’d given me on our 10th anniversary.
Tears filled my eyes as they met his – and I saw Don’s cheeky spark again.
I saw Don’s cheeky spark again.
I knew he was in there.
‘Thanks for a wonderful life. I’ll love you forever,’ I whispered, as Don took his final breaths on December 30, aged 84.
We celebrated his life with a wake, drinking champagne. I was heartbroken.
I went back to work, but Don never left my mind.
What is dementia?
- Dementia is a term for several diseases that affect memory, thinking, and the ability to perform daily activities.
- Dementia can happen to anybody, but it is much more common after the age of 65.
- Many different conditions can cause dementia. For many people diagnosed with dementia, the exact cause is never known.
- Dementia can be hereditary, but this is quite rare.
Eighteen months later, I asked my friend Jane Carstens, a journalist, to help me write a book about caring for Don.
‘I want others to know there’s no one way to care for someone with dementia, and joy can still be found,’ I told her.
In March 2024, I retired to focus on the book.
Writing was painful, exhausting and exhilarating but my memoir To Dementia With Love was published in February 2025.
I like to think Don would be proud. He always loved to help others and this way he can.
This year, I’m flying to Europe with Judy for a holiday. Don will be with me, too.
I had a small bit of his ashes placed into a diamond necklace, and I wear it every day.
Wherever I go, he’s always by my side, making life’s adventures a little easier.
Find Debra’s book at thebookadviser.com.au
