ThatsLife
  • WIN
  • News
  • Real Life
  • Food
  • Lifestyle
  • Pets
  • Your Stars
  • Puzzles
  • Podcasts
  • Video
ThatsLife
  • WIN
  • News
  • Real Life
  • Food
  • Lifestyle
  • Pets
  • Your Stars
  • Puzzles
  • Podcasts
  • Video
Subscribe
  1. Home
  2. Real Life

Mum’s shock confession: I imagined hurting my baby

'Since the twins were born I'd had shocking, violent thoughts' - by As told to Jacqui Lang
  • 19 Jan 2018

Daina loved her sons dearly, so why was she thinking about hurting them?

Here, Daina, 49 tell the story in her own words.

Stop splashing while I soap you!’ I chided my baby twin boys, Lucca and Jianni, feeling a surge of joy as they excitedly romped in the bath. It had taken 16 IVF cycles to become a mum to this lovable duo.

My then husband John and I were elated our daughter Celeste, then nine, now had little brothers. I’d married John, 13 years my senior, when I was 22, but from the outset we had fertility problems.

Jianni, Celeste and Lucca

Jianni, Celeste and Lucca

Supplied

Now, at last, we were overjoyed to have three kids. And yet, as I sat bathing my boys a new, ugly thought suddenly entered my mind. I could push my hand right through the soft part of their skulls and crush them! I thought. Then I shuddered. What was wrong with me? How could I have even imagined attacking them?

The truth was, in the few months since they’d been born, I’d been having shocking, violent thoughts about my kids. It made no sense, and it scared me. Even while pregnant, I’d found myself thinking horrible thoughts about my adored Celeste from time to time. But this was much worse. I’d always prided myself on being a devoted mum. Was I now going mad?

I longed to confide in someone, but was terrified that they’d think I was an unfit mother. My kids might get taken away, I thought. But after the bath incident, I couldn’t bear it any more – perhaps I really was a threat to my kids.

‘John, I need help!’ I blurted out after he came home from work that night. ‘I’m having awful thoughts about harming our kids. I’m so worried.’ Sobbing uncontrollably, I confided that I feared I was losing the plot. ‘You’re a wonderful mother, but you need to see a doctor,’ he said gently. ‘Let’s make an appointment.’

Daina

Me and my partner John

Supplied

When I saw my GP, it was a relief. He referred me to a psychologist and I was startled to learn that I had obsessive-compulsive disorder. ‘But isn’t OCD when people repetitively wash their hands or tidy up?’ I stammered. She explained there were different forms of this psychiatric illness, which leads to repetitive thoughts. ‘You’ve experienced severe post-natal OCD,’ she added.

It was a relief to have a diagnosis, but the best news was her assurance that I was no threat to my children.

I began having therapy, and John and I found a nanny, Kylie, 46, to help us. If I was having a bad day, I’d confide in her and she helped me cope, so much so that she’s now my best friend!

My parents Vesma, 77, and Victor, 81, and sister Aaryn, 53, were also a great support. It was hard work, but in time I managed to block out any awful thoughts that flew into my head, and life returned to normal.

Sadly, John and I grew apart, but he was a great support to me during those dark days. The boys are now 15 and Celeste is 24. We all live with my new partner, also called John, and his son Lachie, 20. 

I’m finally ready to speak publicly about my OCD to reassure other mums who may be suffering. Recognise the symptoms and know that you’re no harm to your kids, but you need to seek help. You don’t have to go through this alone!

Read more in this week's issue of that's life!

Subscribe to That's Life!-+ save!

Subscribe to That's Life!

Subscribe Now
Subscribe to That's Life!

Subscribe to That's Life!-+ save!

Subscribe to That's Life!

Subscribe Now
Subscribe to That's Life!

Recommended to you

There's A Better, Faster Way To Predict Sepsis
Watch 0:37

There's A Better, Faster Way To Predict Sepsis

{headline}

{headline}

Surprise! I had twins at 50

Surprise! I had twins at 50

I was menopausal, then I had five kids!

I was menopausal, then I had five kids!

I fell pregnant - but I was already expecting!

I fell pregnant - but I was already expecting!

Postnatal depression is less likely in mothers if delivered in these months

Postnatal depression is less likely in mothers if delivered in these months

{headline}

{headline}

Pregnant at 51 – My mum had my baby

Pregnant at 51 – My mum had my baby

Brave Bella - saved by her twin!

Brave Bella - saved by her twin!

Brave mum gives birth TWO MONTHS AFTER her baby girl's daddy died

Brave mum gives birth TWO MONTHS AFTER her baby girl's daddy died

{headline}

{headline}

TWINS' HORROR: Separated at birth for a CRUEL experiment

TWINS' HORROR: Separated at birth for a CRUEL experiment

HEARTWARMING REUNION: 27 days before our twins' first hug

HEARTWARMING REUNION: 27 days before our twins' first hug

Mum of identical twins with Down syndrome was offered an abortion six times

Mum of identical twins with Down syndrome was offered an abortion six times

DOUBLE THE LOVE: My dad gave me twins!

DOUBLE THE LOVE: My dad gave me twins!

68-year-old woman gives birth to 'miracle' twins

68-year-old woman gives birth to 'miracle' twins

Woman gives birth to twins a month after delivering first child

Woman gives birth to twins a month after delivering first child

I had a baby at 53, then hours later I felt a lump

I had a baby at 53, then hours later I felt a lump

ThatsLife
  • Gold Club
  • Online Entry FAQ
  • About Us
  • Subscribe Today
  • Contact Us
  • Terms
  • Competitions
  • Privacy Policy
ThatsLife Magazine Subscribe
  • Gold Club
  • Online Entry FAQ
  • About Us
  • Subscribe Today
  • Contact Us
  • Terms
  • Competitions
  • Privacy Policy

Brands

  • New Idea
  • Who
  • Girlfriend
  • Practical Parenting

Our Network

  • Better Homes and Gardens
  • BHG Shop
  • marie claire
  • Beauty Crew
  • New Idea food
  • Women's Weekly Food
  • Bounty Parents
  • Home Beautiful
  • All Recipes
  • 7plus
  • 7News
  • Sunrise
  • Starts at 60
  • The West Australian
  • Perth Now
  • 7mate
  • 7Sport
  • Hard to Find
© 2022 Are Media PTY LTD
All products are independently selected, tested or recommended by our team of experts.If you buy something, we may earn an affiliate commission.
Get more from

Magazine Subscription Offer

Subscribe to That's Life!-+ save!

Shop This Offer
Subscribe to That's Life!