REAL LIFE

Constance Hall’s 3276 days of ‘captivity’

The pregnant mummy blogger on being held ‘prisoner’.
Facebook/Constance Hall

It seems like Constance Hall isn’t having the best week.

The popular mummy blogger spoke candidly on Tuesday about feeling ‘overworked and under appreciated’ in a downbeat Facebook post.

And just two days prior, she gave a very wry insight into what it’s like to be held ‘captive’… by her kids.

‘Day 3276 of my captivity,’ Constance – who is pregnant with her fifth child – wrote on March 25.

Constance Hall
(Credit: Facebook/Constance Hall)

‘The biggest one who seems to have some kind of a leadership role amongst the smaller captors grated me leave…

‘She offered to guard her step dad while trusting the younger ones to supervise me at the park.

‘Why would I run? Where would I go..?’

Constance – who married her partner and dad-of-two Denim Cooke – went on to say her youngest ‘captor’ then demanded that she ‘wipe her bum’ before yelling at her.

‘After I took myself to the toilet, her twin followed me in to make sure I wasn’t planning anything shifty, he monitored me on the toilet and followed me to wash my hands.’

Then, it was time to go to the park with the kids.

Constance Hall
(Credit: Facebook/Constance Hall)

‘I look around at the other captives, with their tiny rulers, some kind others screaming at their prisoners, most prisoners frantically trying to appease the tiny rulers. One women danced for hers..’ Constance wrote.

‘I wonder who I can trust, if any other prisoners ever dream of more.

‘A man has literally offered his ruler every type of food under the sun, the ruler, a small 3 year old pretended to want the banana and then laughed and threw it on the floor, the man pretended to be ok, I later saw the ruler slap the man, the man smiled and kissed his ruler…

Constance Hall
(Credit: Facebook/Constance Hall)

‘I know that when I get home I’ll be commanded to wash them, feed them, read to them, clean up the house when they finally get to sleep and I probably won’t even get a chance to shower, if I’m lucky I will eat their scraps, however often despite not wanting any of the food I prepare for them, they pretend to want it if I show interest.

‘Both twin rulers are distracted, this would possibly be my chance to escape… I start walking towards the car…

‘I look back, one ruler is pushing the other ruler on the swing. They are both laughing… the sound puts me in a hypnotic trance and I am mesmerised to the point where I pull out my phone and film it…

‘Stockholm syndrome has well and truly kicked in.’

Constance Hall
(Credit: Facebook/Constance Hall)

Once home again, Constance admits ‘the second eldest is mad with me because we have no ice cream, the eldest hates me because she has a dread lock she can’t get out’. 

‘One tells me he loves me and then that my bum has grown.

‘The other suggested I do some jogging with my free time..

‘When I am finally left alone to rest I watch the video of the twin captors laughing at the park.

‘The front door is open, the captors are all asleep… but.. It’s official. I love these little sh*ts. I will survive another day.’

Earlier in the week Constance shared a snap of her naked and pregnant body with her 1.2 million Facebook followers – with the caption ‘When they ask “how’s the pregnancy going”’

In the image Constance – who has found fame for telling it like it is – was taking a selfie with a somewhat worn-out look on her face.

This article originally appeared on New Idea.

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