I survived domestic violence

Stacey Currie, 29, Carrum Downs, Vic

Looking at my friend's house, I couldn't believe how beautiful it was. 'Mum and dad have their own business,' she said.

I was eight years old and lived in a small house with my dad Lionel, now 56, who worked casual jobs. My mum didn't live with us and although Dad was fantastic and supportive, we often got by on very little.

I had never thought about my career before, but I decided then that I'd be a successful businesswoman one day. 'You can do anything,' Dad said. 'You just have to put your mind to it.'

But seven years later, when I was 15, life took an unexpected turn. My tummy was sore and I was throwing up, so Dad toOk me to our GP. 'She's pregnant,' the doctor frowned. 'I know you're young, but you'll have to have the baby,' Dad said.

I was relieved Dad wanted me to keep the child but I still felt petrified. My dreams of being a businesswoman now seemed very far away.

My boyfriend Pete* stuck by me and I kept going to school. On December 22, 1994, my son Josh was born. Starting back at school the next year, I took Josh along with me to class.

After finishing year 10, I found a job in a coffee shop. Pete and I got a place together but making ends meet was hard.

I started a business course at TAFE, but two years later I fell pregnant again. 'How are we going to cope?' Pete asked.

I was still only 19 when I gave birth to Tahlia in March 1998 and the cracks were starting to show. When Tahlia was four months old, Pete and I split. 'I'm too young for all this,' he said.

I agreed that it was a lot of responsibility for two teenagers but, with Pete gone, I felt my dreams were slipping even further out of reach.

Thankfully, Dad helped me look after the kids as I studied and worked long hours but I still couldn't afford to pay rent on my own. Not wanting to burden Dad, I turned to my friends. 'Could I stay with you for a week?' I asked them.

Making up beds on lounge-room floors for my children, one night I broke down in tears. 'I'm homeless and broke, with two lives relying on me,' I sobbed.

My confidence hit rock bottom. I thought I'd never be a businesswoman – just a sad and lonely single mum.

One night, Dad looked after the kids while I went out with friends. Still only 20, I thought no guys would be interested in a mum of two. But then a young, handsome man started chatting to me. 'I've got two children,' I blurted out, thinking it would end our conversation.

'That's cool,' he said.

Joe* was a charmer and it didn't take long before I was head over heels in love with him. 'You and the kids can live with me,' he offered just weeks into our relationship.

I thought I was lucky to have someone take on my kids. Joe was like a saviour. But a few months later, he started to change. He'd come home from work furious, flying off the handle for no reason. 'Who've you been talking to?' he'd rage. 'I don't know why I ever bothered with you.'

The verbal abuse eroded my self-confidence even more. I felt worthless, like I should be grateful to Joe for taking us in. After all, no-one else would have me, would they?

Then, when I thought things couldn't get worse, the abuse turned physical. Joe would lash out and hit me, sometimes in front of the kids. 'It's okay, Mummy's all right,' I'd soothe after Joe had stormed out.

By now I felt so worthless, like I deserved the beatings. I didn't know how the bright-eyed eight year old who wanted to own a business had become the woman I saw in the mirror.

When Joe suggested having a child of our own, I agreed, hoping it would please him.

I gave birth to Jack in May 2000, when I was 21. But with a newborn in the house, things only got worse. As Jack grew, the cycle of violence continued.

I never saw myself as a victim, I felt too responsible for what was happening. Then one day, I saw an ad for domestic-violence counselling. There was a photo of a woman with a black eye and two young kids. Hang on, that's my life, my children's lives, I thought, shocked. I called the number.

'This is not something you can fix, or live through,' my counsellor Donna said.

As the weeks passed, I kept seeing the counsellor in secret and my confidence grew. I knew I could make it on my own. I'm worth more than this, I thought. My children deserve better.

'Write down your goals, make them real,' Donna encouraged.

In September 2005, after almost five years, I left Joe and took the kids. It was scary, but I kept on repeating Donna's affirmations and dismissed all the negative thoughts.

Thankfully, I still had friends and one day I was talking to Dave, 37. 'I've got a sign-writing business, it's not doing great,' he said. An idea came to me. 'Let me run it,' I said confidently. 'If I haven't turned it around in six months, sack me.'

Dave agreed, so I set about being the best manager I could. I called motivational experts and networked with other professional women.

Six months later, the business was thriving. Signs 'n' Banners became a finalist in the local Business Achiever awards.

With my confidence on a high, I kept going to women-in-business meetings. It was challenging because the women were amazing. It was hard for me to relate to them and I felt intimidated by their success. 'There's not much out there to help young, vulnerable mums,' I told Dave. 'I wish someone had encouraged me earlier.'

I wanted to inspire those women who'd given up on their dreams – just as I had once. 'I could start a website,' I said.

'Great idea,' Dave agreed.

After months of hard work, I sat down with web designers Sally and Jason, who offered to do the site for free. My site, www.empoweringyoungmums.com.au was finally launched in November 2007, attracting legions of visitors.

Today, I run a highly successful business with Signs 'n' Banners, I'm involved in my children's schools and I'm training to be a motivational speaker. Dave is such a great guy. We fell in love and had baby Toby in June.

I once felt so low, but now I'm on top of the world. It's never too late to turn your life around. If the website gets that message through to just one young mum who's considering giving up, it will all be worth it.

Visit Stacey's very own business at Empowering Young Mums.

*Names have been changed.

I was also a victim of domestic violence, physical and sexual. When I was 16 I thought I had met the man of my dreams. Over the following 23 months he beat me almost daily, raped me 4 times, estranged me from my family and friends. I kept putting up with it because he had brainwashed me into thinking that I was worthless and deserved it. He took away not only 2 years of my life but my trust in men. He was charged but the conviction was not recorded so he is free to hurt someone else. On the final day, he beat me in public and I heard someone yell at him before I was dragged into my apartment. It was that man's voice that gave me the strength to make a run for it when my ex went to wash my blood from his clothes. It took years to rebuild the relationships I had lost and I am still struggling to 'prove' myself as a worthy member of society. I am so lucky to have had the support of my family and friends. I never dreamed that I would be a victim of domestic violence. Congratulations to Stacey. I Pray that by reading your story, another victim has the strength to break free. God Bless you.

Posted by Rae from VIC on 11/11/2008 11:22:42 PM

i just wish my own daughter could take notice of this article and see her partner for what he is. she is in a bad situation but is in denial. if she could walk away i know she could turn her own life around. well done stacey and all the best for the future.

Posted by cathy from NSW on 19/11/2008 9:01:13 AM

I to became a victim of domestic violence. I endured months of mental abuse which lead to a night of physical abuse. I always promised myself that no man would ever lay a hand on me. I met a man, who at the time I thought was the most wonderful person under the sun. Before I met him I had all the confidence in the world, I had the best job, I was set on a great career path. We got on so well, enjoyed spending time together, but after a few months it all changed. He was a heavy drinker and drank every night. Every night while he drank he would belittle me to the point where I would feel worthless. He played mind games with me every day. He had me convinced that I was a messed up person, I couldn't even look in the mirror as I didn't like what I saw. My friends noticed the changes in me and told me to leave, but I couldn't. I didn't have the courage because I didn't know what he would do. Finally the day came when we broke up in one of his drunken moments. I felt devastated (today i question myself why), but i also knew it was my escape from the relationship, but I was still stuck in the same house as him for a week. In that week, the mind games and bullying turned to physical violence. He ended up trying to strangle me and made death threats against me. After he left go of my throat I ran and I ran and I went straight to the police. I also was very lucky like Rae that I had my whole family around me for support. Today I am trying to get my life back on track, my career no longer exists, but with the support of the wonderful man in my llife now and my family I am slowly getting there. One thing I have learnt is not to blame myself for what happened. He is a sick man who needs help. To any female who is living with domestic violence, as hard as it is, escape - there are people out there who can help. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.

Posted by Sharron from QLD on 20/11/2008 9:13:31 AM

First of I want to congratulate not only Stacey but any woman that had the courage to stand up against domestic violence. I too was once the victim of domestic violence. For 2 years every inch of my life was controlled and nothing I ever did was good enough for my partner to trust me. I also thought when we found out I was pregnant if I had the baby the violence would stop. But it only got worse. Everyday I was subjected to physical and mental abuse and like so many, I thought it was my fault and was ashamed of it. It wasn't until my mum saw what my "relationship" was really like, that she put her foot down and I haven't turned back. My mum was my tower of strength and may just as well have saved my life. I am now very happily married with my 4th baby on the way and my husband would never ever dream of hurting me in anyway. He says he has too much too loose. I think it's highly unfair when woman and even men are looked down on for staying in abusive relationships. Until you have been in 1 and lived it, you never really fully understand how much they manipulate your mind into believing no one else will ever love you. I am also thankful I had the strength to break free and stay away and my life is so much richer for it and so is my daughters.

Posted by Amee from WA on 20/11/2008 6:24:36 PM

Thank you Stacie and Rae I commend you for sharing your stories on domestic violence it's a story I knew all to well with my then husband of 19 years but like yourselves I to, am a survivor of, that I have now been for 14 years.
When I noticed it was affecting my kids, I gathered my strength and left, by then I had lost all faith in the man I love and who he had become and by then I was doing it alone so I knew I could go it alone. So I packed up and left travelled back to the other side of Australia, with 2 youngest kids, suitcases in hand and my weekly pay packet and whatever savings I had in my bank, and with the new found strength. I was never going back there again and that I never did and that was the best day of my life, happy family again.
My 3 kids, my family and friends helped me get stronger I have appreciated there love and support my now adult children are so proud of me has I of them, it was there choice like it was there dad's to be estranged from and once in a blue moon may hear from him.
It took many years for me to find myself again regain my self esteem and build my trust again with men only to be let down again by, but through good decent male friendships slowly but surely my faith and trust in men have been restored and I've learnt that not all of spoil the whole bunch and through one friendship romance blossomed
My message like I've told my daughter and to all women out there don't let anyone ever tell you that you are worthless. You know in your heart that you are an amazing person. Believe in yourself and you can do anything. You don't have to be a doormat. And most of all, you deserve a loving and tender relationship ,that's not on based on fear that I have now found with a wonderful man my best friend whose now my partner through his love, support and encouragement I'm now doing what I want to do career wise in Aged Care. All the best to you Stacie and Rae.

Posted by Noela from NSW on 21/11/2008 7:10:38 AM

I am a survivir of domestic viloence also. My ex husband phsically and verbally abused me constantly over a 21 year period. Why didn't you leave sooner I hear you say, well I had no self esteem and he made sure I had no friends and definitly no self worth. People did tell me to leave, my family constantly told me this, but I think I have learnt with domestic violence is that a person will not leave until that final straw is broken. That day happened for me after a beating to "celebrate" my 39th birthday with some friends I had made on the internet chat room. My husband was there also but for a change I was centre of attention and not him. After we got home that night bieng beaten I honestly thought I was going to die. The next morning when I saw the carving knife on the kitchen sink and actually thought about using it I knew the time had come. On the Monday I spent hours on the phone to a social worker from centrelink and the police and devised a plan to leave.That night when he came home I told him it was all over and to leave. We went through a lot of battles after that time with the car bieng tampered with and lies told to the police. That was 11 years ago now. I supported my 5 kids and took myself to uni and studied computers. I now have a degree in IT. This year in Feb I was married to a wonderful man and we have a fantastic life. The life I deserve. My kids are wonderful adults now with a bright future. I would have preffered my earlier life to have not happened, but it has made me the stronger person I am today.Bless you Stacey and all other women whom are going through this now, my love and prayers are with you, you don't deserve this no matter what you are told!!!

Posted by Ellen from QLD on 22/12/2008 1:01:20 PM

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